By: Colette Butler

My preoccupation with death was my only escape from the reality of life. I could no longer face the reality of living the life that was handed to me. My reality of life has been drastically changed; based upon life’s circumstances that I held no control over. My mind was enveloped around, “What does my life really mean? What is my purpose in life? Am I expected to live life on life’s terms? Who sets the standards for the way I live my life?” I didn’t ask for this life, I didn’t have a say in being born, someone else decided to create this fleshy specimen called woman. My mind held multitude of questions and these puzzling questions plagued my mind daily.

My anger presented me with daily screams of, “I didn’t ask for, why me? What right does life have to place this sickness upon me?” Feelings of exasperation encompassed my soul. My preoccupation with death led me to question life; what is the primary reason for this condition. Where did my dilemma originate, how long do I have to live life in my present state? Living in this present state has caused me to wonder about death’s commitment. If I enter into a relationship with death knowing its permanency, then what type of permanent relationship would I really be committing too? In my quest to find answers, I only found more questions that held no right answers.

I wondered, would a relationship with death be more beneficial than a relationship with life? Questions flooded my tearful night, as decision’s tears watered my days. My mind held so many questions; questions where simplicity had been eaten up by life’s factual realities. Various answers caused me to scream. I began screaming at the thoughts that plagued my mind. I could no longer contain my emotions, my thoughts, or my reality was making me sicker.

I realized that life offered me no choices and I wanted to die. In my heart I held no conviction of guilt or innocence. Life’s menial pleasures, such as pleasant conversations, parties, entertainment, going on hikes, reading, etc. were irrelevant to me. My illness had introduced me to a life of tribulations and these tribulations allowed me to waste a lot of time running from reality. I ran from life’s reality and found myself gradually descending into an abyss of self-denial, self-rejection, self-persecution and selfishness.

I slipped into a depression where the thought of dying presented me with a welcome gift. I welcomed the thought of no more pain, no more sorrow, no more rejections, no more oppressions, no more lies, no more heart aches, no more lonely nights, no more disappointments, NO MORE. The thought that I would spend the rest of my life in a diseased state was no longer appealing to me. Deep within my psychological intellect, I had no more room left for such things as kindness, consideration, compassion and love. I found myself day after day, in a committed relationship with death. Death communicated an unbreakable vow and I knew that I was dying.

I realized that life offered me no choices, no decisions and no hope. I realized that I had become totally committed to an eternal judgment that had been placed upon my life. The evidence of death was consuming my quality of life. Pulsating blood was emanating from my heart traveling throughout my circulatory system, holding me in a mental and physical prison. My issues was affecting my immune system, my blood cells, my thoughts, my life, ME. I found my days consumed with weeping tears of distress.

But then after many day of silent weeping, my doctor presented me with a one time option, an option to live. I didn’t have a lot of time to waste thinking about the unknowns. I had to make a quick decision whether I wanted to live or die. I knew that this cure could possibly change researcher’s ideology of medicine and cures. It could astonish the world and change the world’s views on healing. This cure presented me with the fact that maybe my illusions, my hopelessness, my commitment with death were all a lie. Imagine living life believing one thing and to discover at the end of your life that what you believed in was all a lie. I wondered, “Who’s responsible for my lie? Then I realized, it was ME!” I was responsible for my own deception.

While in my moment of decision, I felt the need to breath. I exhaled and it was when I exhaled that something embedded deep within the core of my heart told me to go for it. Take the option, after all what do you have to lose. I knew that I didn’t have any time to second-guess my decision. I only a moment to make the decision before my final commitment with death was sealed. That’s when I realized that I had so much to gain by altering my belief system.

I knew that the doctor was waiting to hear my decision. The time is now! Intensifying moments grew stronger. My heart began rapidly beating, my pulse is racing, and my fingers are tingling and my face tightening. I nervously put on my clothes, rush out of the door, down the steps and began quickly walking to the doctor’s office. It was now or never! I must take this chance. I knew I couldn’t tell anyone because they would try and talk me out of my decision. I was nervous enough and I didn’t need people’s opinions.

While walking quickly to the doctor’s office, I could feel people all around me. Human bodies passing by in front of me and rushing pass me. My mind rendered itself to nervous anticipation as I began running at a fast pace. I found myself running and pushing pass people. I needed to get through. I needed to push pass all obstacles. I needed to reach the physician. I’m running, pushing, struggling to get through the crowd. I’m running with my hands extended out, feeling the need to grab a hold of something or someone. But I was alone with my decision.

The crowd of people accidently pushed me to the ground. I’m crawling on my knees seeking to reach to doctor’s office. I knew that this was the only chance I had to change my destiny. My mind had been renewed and my thoughts were open to trying this new method, the cure. I had forgotten what it felt like living, because I was so preoccupied with death. I knew that I couldn’t let anything or anyone hold me back now. I had to hold on to my new found faith, in order to be set free from this illness.

Crawling up the steps, I reached out and up and ranged the door bell. The doctor opened the door slowly and invited me in. I followed his foot steps as he led me into one of his examining rooms. He placed a smile of gratitude on his face from the fact that I actually made it to his office. His guinea pig was ready! He was excited about executing his new procedure and the fact that he found a cure. The door squeakingly closes behinds me. I turned and sat down in the cold steel chair that was positioned in the corner. The doctor silently motions to me to look at the waiver forms. I pick up read them and sign them. I lay the papers back on the white desk and proceed to undress. I turned and placed my neatly folded clothes in the chair and then quickly picked up the cloth hospital gown lying on the bed. While putting the gown on, I noticed scissors, needles, threads and various other medical instruments. My body now stands cold and still, contemplating on an alterative.

Then I begin moving sporadically, fighting off my own personal doubts. I pull my arms through the gown and nervously position myself on the bed. Multitude of thoughts vanishes as the doctor knocks on the door. Come in, I nervously respond. The door squeakingly opens and the doctor walks in with a zipped up lab coat, surgical glasses covering his eyes and a mask over his nose and mouth. He muffles out, “Are you ready; last chance to change your mind.” I lie and say, “I’m ready.” But wait! I need to know if this procedure is reversible.” The doctor wipes the exposure skin of his forehead and says, “No madam! But you should feel good about the fact that you’re changing the course of medicine and that you’ll the first person to be cured from lying and gossiping. Open wide!”


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